It is difficult for me to find the right words when I think I need to write. I also wonder why I write in English rather than in Dutch. Is it because it appears like this in my head? Is it because you like the language more than Dutch? Is it because it feels more true this way? If that is the case, why I am not writing in Frisian then? Simple, you would not understand a single bit of it. And still, why I am searching the right words to write down? To say sorry for my behavior of last Saturday (and this Sunday). I hope this will explain some things, even though it is difficult for me to write about my own behavior, especially in English. Well, enough talk, here I go.
To be immediately honest, on one point my will was to make you feel bad. Yes, that is childish and more than stupid of me. And maybe that was the intention of the very first beginning, and I do not dare to answer that rhetorical question. Fact is: I should not had talk that way to a goddess. In a way goddess then, I am still the sober Frisian guy if the subject is about gods and goddesses.
Maybe I should say that fact is: I should not had talk like that way to a girl who loves me. Instead of answer with anger, I should answer with love. Okay, answering with love in this subject is a bit difficult for me. My opinion is different than yours - despite your offers to change my opinion. It (my opinion) is not as 'bad' as the rest of the Netherlands, but still, that is more close than your opinion. I am sorry.
But to return to the subject of replying with love instead of anger. I think the struggles we already been through - in this first two months, and we will face in the future - are my fault. I am to selfish or, yes, I am going to mention it, to autistic. Maybe it is more realistic to say that my depressed me, better said: me, is the cause of all the struggles. Or it is Jeff Buckley whispering it in my ear. (By the way, you really should listen to him.)
If you did not see it yet; most things I say, I do not know for sure. If the talk is about me, I am unsure. But I do hope the words I wrote down, explained some things. I also hope that your are not mad on me anymore. I am sorry, again.
I am really, deeply sorry for my acting. If I could, I would have hugged you to show it to you. And maybe even cry. I just do not want this to happen again, and I make sure it will not happen again. I do not want you to be the next person I will lose if I stay acting like this, like a child. Hopefully you will help me in that.
That is all I have to say.
p.s.
Forgive me my school English, and maybe some grammar faults.
p.p.s.
It is even more stupid when you realize I also have Jewish blood running through my veins.
